A self-compassion break is a one-minute pause for the moment something goes wrong: you say that it is hard, remind yourself you are not the only one, and ask for kindness, with a hand on your chest and a slow breath out. It is a short version of the practice described by the psychologist Kristin Neff on self-compassion.org, and it fits in a corridor, a car park or a bathroom. Below is the base version, then four versions for common hard moments, and a tip for when the words feel silly.

The base version, about a minute

  1. Name it. Say quietly: "This is a hard moment." No reasons, no blame.
  2. Make it human. Say: "Other people feel this too." Picture the others, if it helps.
  3. Be kind. Put a hand on your chest or your arm and say: "May I be kind to myself." Or, if that is too formal: "Go easy."
  4. Breathe out. Take three breaths with the breath out longer than the breath in, about 4 in and 6 out. The calm breathing guide shows the rhythm.

That is the whole practice. The touch and the long breath out are not extras; they tell the body it is safe, which makes the words easier to believe.

Four versions for four moments

After a mistake at work. "I got that wrong, and it feels bad. Everyone gets things wrong. I'll fix what I can and learn what I can." Then do the one next thing.

When a child is melting down, or you lost your temper. "This is really hard. Every parent has had a moment like this. I'm doing my best, and I can repair this." Repair, then rest.

After bad news. "This hurts. People have been here before and got through it. I don't have to work out what's next yet." Sit for the three breaths before you do anything.

When you are comparing yourself with someone. "I'm feeling envious, and that's human. What do I actually want here?" Envy usually points at something real.

When the words feel silly

They often do at first. Three ways round it:

  • Use fewer words. "Hard. Human. Gentle." is enough.
  • Use your own. The sentence should sound like you on a good day.
  • Do the body half only: the hand and the breath. The words can come later.

Make it a habit

Pick one anchor in the day, putting the kettle on, sitting in the car, locking your screen, and do the break there once, even when nothing is wrong. Practising on small things means the sentences are there when you need them.

Where Bliss fits

CalmSpace.ai is a calm app for iPhone, Apple Watch and the web with Bliss, a voice companion who remembers you. You can ask her to talk you through the break by voice, in the pace you choose. She is a voice companion, not a therapist, and not a medical service. If a hard moment turns into weeks of feeling low, speak to a doctor or counsellor.

More: a first week of self-compassion, the self-compassion page, and the physiological sigh for a faster breath reset.

FAQ

How often should I do it?

Whenever something is hard, and once a day on an easy day to build the habit.

Does it work if I don't feel anything?

Yes. The practice is the sentence, the hand and the breath. Feeling can follow.

Can I do it in public?

Yes. A hand on the arm and a slow breath look like nothing at all.

CalmSpace.ai is a wellness app, not a medical service, and Bliss is not a therapist. If you are in crisis, contact the crisis line for your country; in the United States, call or text 988.